It has become evident to me as I walk this path after Josh's death, that the road of grief is one that must be travelled individually. I do not mean to say that we must travel this road alone. On the contrary, I have had many people helping me to bear this burden of grief. I am not alone. However, there are many times, though surrounded by friends and loved ones that I must face the moment and meet grief face to face in solitude. I don't believe there are any two people that will face grief exactly the same and although there are obvious wrong ways to handle any situation, there are many right ways to grieve. Well meaning people have made remarks on both ends of the spectrum. I have had those who feel I am not handling my grief well and I have had others tell me that they are amazed at my strength at such a time as this. True to my nature, I have tried to be open and honest about my grief. I feel that honesty is the only way to handle one of the most difficult things that life throws at us. (Isn't it ironic that the most difficult thing that life throws at us is death?) When all is said and done, I have to follow this path of grief to the end, and no one can tell me what I must do to handle the grief successfully. For me, I must cry when I feel like crying. I must laugh when I feel like laughing. I must remember the happy, precious memories of my son and I must hold on to the dreams of have of him smiling and happy. You can't rush grief and you can't pretend it does not exist. At the same time, my joy comes from knowing that my son does not feel grief and that he is happy and a peace in the arms of the Father. Josh does not suffer. It is only those of us who are left behind who weep.................who suffer from the loss of one we love so dearly.
Yes, I have days when I can hardly function because of the pain that grips my heart and consumes my physical body. I also have many more days when I face life head on and look for the best and hold to all that is positive.
One of my favorite places to go in my heart is to the Father's arms. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me dearly but I have never allowed myself to be completely enveloped in His love until I lost my son. Now, in my very darkest moments I imagine myself wrapped in the arms of the Father. There are days when I feel that I can't even see His face, but then I was reminded that when a small child is held firm in the arms of their parent with the child's face tight against the parents chest for protection from the elements, that the child is unable to see the face of the one who holds them, but rather feels the arms of the parent protectively surrounding them. In my darkest hours, I visualize myself wrapped in the arms of the Heavenly Father, with my head against His chest.
Grief is not something to shun, ignore, or be dishonest about. Grief is an opportunity to experience the Father's love in a way that we have never experienced it before, as we learn to take each day one breath at a time.