December 28, 2017
Do you every look back at the last 24 hours and think “There’s no way
that it has only been 24 hours!” Yep, that’s me today. With our car still being in the shop, we had
to rent a vehicle to make a trip to Georgia to take care of some things there
and to spend a few days with my grandmother.
We had searched to find the best deal on a rental. There’s nothing “close” to Laurel Fork and we
either had to go over an hour North to Christiansburg, head over 45 minutes to
Galax, or make our way 40 minutes away to Mt. Airy, North Carolina. None of these places were on our way to our
ultimate destination and with the one in Mt. Airy being slightly cheaper, we
decided to go get the car, come back to the house and drop off Mike’s mom’s
truck we had borrowed, load up our things and leave. However, when we went to get the car, the
dealership told us the car they had reserved for us wasn’t ready and we would
have to either wait or take a smaller car.
We took the smaller car and the savings that came with it. However, when I got about a mile down the
road, on came the check tire pressure light.
I turned around and went back.
They aired up the tires, assured me they were fine and sent me on my
way. Everything seemed ok until we spent
about 20 minutes letting the car sit while we loaded our things at home but
when we got back in the car, the tire pressure light was on again. We called ahead and reserved a different
vehicle in Wytheville which was on our way and stopped there, filled out the
paperwork to change vehicles, and started out again only to see a huge bubble
on the side of one of the tires on this car.
At this point, we were really late and I decided we would just take our
chances which we did and everything was fine.
We made it to Georgia and when we got to Nan’s house and realized she
was still at Wednesday night church services, we went by there to pick her up
and bring her home. I walked in the
church and found her in the front, tapped her on the shoulder and asked if she
needed a ride home. It took a moment for
her to place me with her not expecting me to be at the church and then she
broke into a smile and gave me a big hug.
I asked her if she was surprised and she said “no” because my brother
had let the cat out of the bag that we were coming, although she didn’t know
exactly when we were coming. We spent
the morning around the house with Nan, then I took her to a Doctor’s
appointment after which we met my brother and his wife at a local restaurant
and visited for a while. For the rest of
the day, I have been attending to business and taking care of things for my
grandmother. It’s hard with our living
so far away to facilitate the things that are necessary to make sure that
things are handled properly here. I am
glad that we have my cousin four days a week to help us out. She is a saint and does way more than anyone
else would do for Nan and at a fraction of the pay that others would
expect. She does it because she loves my
grandmother and because she wants to help.
She gives back so much often bringing her own food from home and
stopping on her days off to make sure grandma has meals and is eating. We are so blessed with her help and
care. We are applying for some
assistance that will enable us to get an additional caregiver in to help with
things on the days that my cousin is not able to work and perhaps some evening
shifts as well, depending on how much assistance we can get. My grandmother is still able to do so much
and wants to be independent and we are trying so hard to respect that and let
her be as independent as she can for as long as she can. She no longer cooks and has difficulty
following recipes or remembering how to make things she has made her entire
life. Left alone, she resorts to
processed snacks she can open and eat quickly.
Having my cousin, who is a nutritionist and has worked with the local
nursing home for years until she retired, in the home to make sure that Nan
eats nutritious and regular meals is such a help. I think of my grandmother often and how
difficult it must be to age and not be able to do the things she once did. She always sang and had a beautiful
voice. She dropped out of the choir at
church a while back and I don’t think it had as much to do with the fact that
she can no longer sing, as she says, but that she has forgotten how to sing
with the group and follow the lead of the choir director. So she no longer sings. She was an avid reader and devoured books,
but rarely does she try to read anymore.
She finds it just too difficult.
It was so difficult for her to give up having a vehicle after she had
her accident. I think often of the days
ahead when I will be in her position, if I live long enough, and I try to respect
the stage of life she is in right now.
No one said life was easy. In
fact, all stages are just so difficult.
We must find joy and peace in each stage of the journey and realize we
have nothing but right now with all of it’s trials and we have to pull from
these moments all the joy that we can muster.
There is so much joy there, even with the struggles. I looked at my grandma’s face and thought how
lucky I am at 50 years of age to be able to kiss her cheeks and look in her
eyes. I have asked her to tell me more
stories, which I will try to get down in writing tomorrow as she tells them to
me. I have 50 years behind me of history
with my grandmother. Without question,
only a fraction of our time together lies in the future. I have to make the most of what we have left
together, even when those moments are difficult.
December 29, 2017
The day was spent mostly doing the things I least enjoy but that’s a
necessary part of life. Paperwork, bill
paying, making calls, meetings, scheduling, arranging, taking care of details
so that things can be as simple as possible for grandma and insure that she is
cared for well. The last 48 hours have
been pretty much all business but we did squeeze in some time to visit. It’s always fun to hear those stories we have
retold a hundred times or to hear new stories.
We laughed when we spoke of my uncle (on my dad’s side), now
passed. We would never make light of the
disease that consumed his life that was passed down to him, no doubt,
genetically. That disease of alcoholism,
though not something our family likes to admit or to remember, has left its
mark on various members of our family for generations. This particular uncle spent a good bit of
time in jail due to his consumption.
This of course is no laughing matter, but in this rural Georgia
community and the surrounding areas back in his day, things must have been a
bit like “Mayberry”. The story was told
of my dad and one of his other brothers who made the trip to jail to see this
particular Uncle and took with them some fried chicken and the fixings that my
grandmother had made for him. The
Sheriff allowed my uncle out of jail and let him go outside with his brothers
to eat his meal unguarded, and then when they were done visiting, my Uncle went
back in and the Sheriff put him back in jail.
There’s a lot of hurt, tears and bitter memories within families at
times but we look back on the one we love and we hold on to the stories and
they become a little less edgy with time.
We can sometimes appear to others that we have no clue about heartache
and that our lives are somehow set apart from pain. Many times we don’t talk about the things
that marked us and little do people know what kind of things we have in our
background. While some folks love to present life’s woes and feature them as
part of their social media persona, most of us like to put our best foot
forward. We like the ideal or we just
want to focus on the positive. There’s
nothing wrong with this, but we sometimes have a distorted view when we look at
others and somehow think at times that others lives are perfect when ours is
not. Or we judge someone and think that
they have it so much better than us when we have no clue what kinds of things
they have in their past or are dealing with in their present. There’s something about coming back to Georgia
that connects me to my roots. It grounds
me. It reminds me from whence I came and
it reminds me that the strength I have to face life’s hardest trials comes in
part from my roots. It also reminds me
of all the obstacles that our family has overcome and continues to try to
overcome. It reminds me of where we fail
and how some of us keep trying. It
reminds me of those who have given up or those who have never made an effort to
have a better life. I met with someone
yesterday from this area whom I had never met before. I had only spoken a few sentences and he
looked at me and said, “You’re not from The Mountain (Lookout Mountain) are
you?” It was not accusatory; it was more
of a statement than a question. He knows my family is from The Mountain, but
with just a few words, or perhaps how I carried myself, or my mannerisms, it
was obvious I had not be raised there nor had I ever lived there. I replied, “No. I’ve never lived there, but my roots are there.” His response was, “I understand.” And I know that he did. Simple as that.
December 30, 2017
And we are on the road……………………again.
We have begun the 6-hour trip from my grandmother’s house back to our
home in Laurel Fork. Her affairs are in
order for the time being, a mere five weeks since the last time we made the
trip. I am hoping we are set for about
12 weeks this time and we can get through the worst of winter before needing to
return. If things change and we are
needed, we of course will do what it takes.
It’s hard to leave my sweet grandma each time, knowing that are time
with her is shorter and shorter, for no matter how much longer she lives, we
are closer to the end than the beginning.
She wants to be in her home and I understand and respect that. I would want the same. I try so hard to put myself in her position
and respect her wishes. I love her so
much. Time has changed things a bit, but
she’s still my loving and precious grandmother and I am so fortunate for each
time I get to spend time with her. We
are blessed in so many ways and I was really relaxed and able to recognize that
on this trip. Instead of just seeing the
difficulties, I saw how much for us is going right instead of just seeing what
is going wrong. We stopped in Ringgold
on the way out, which is about 40 minutes from my grandmother’s home and met up
with my Aunt and Uncle who live there.
It was great to be able to sit and visit with them for a little over an
hour before hitting the road again. As
we head back to Virginia and Mike maneuvers the thickening traffic of the
Saturday before New Year’s Eve, we are aware of the blessings this past year
has brought us. An injury compounded
with the wear and tear of farming on a rotator cuff put Mike in a place of needing
surgery and being forced to have down time to recover and a lot of things came
to a culmination between this time last year and now that we never would have
dreamed a year ago. We are so blessed to
be here, in this place, older, wiser, more in love, excited about the future
and yet more settled about just enjoying the present. Life is so much about attitude and about just
accepting and loving.
December 31, 2017
It’s the last day of December, and I am sitting on my bed in front of a
roaring, warm, wood fire. Isn’t it every
woman’s dream to have a fireplace in the bedroom and real logs crackling on a
cold winter’s night? We won’t be
celebrating in any special way, staying up to ring in the New Year, toasting
each other with drinks, or hanging out with friends. We are warm and satisfied and together here
in our little farm house in South West Virginia and while the days ahead of us
as we enter the New Year are filled with obligations, responsibilities and
things that we must either overcome or accept, tonight is pleasant, warm and
peaceful. We went to church this morning
and there were only 15 of us at the little church, including the speaker and
the piano player. But, it just felt
right being there and after the service, we stood around and visited for a long
time. It was cold and no one was in a
hurry to go home. It was nice to just
visit and get to know each other a little better. When we got home, we had some leftover roast and
gravy and I made some mashed potatoes to go along with them. We finished off lunch with some leftover
apple crisp. Mike had offered to take me
out to eat, but I told him that I would rather be at home and eat our
food. The afternoon has been lazy. I have been working on a new look for the
blog, catching up on correspondence, and I even took a nap. Just before dark, I went out and took a short
walk, took out the trash, and carried some scraps up the hill to where I
started a little “compost pile”. There’s
never any scraps left. I think I am
simply feeding the wildlife, which is ok, but is also why I walk so far away
from the house to throw out our food scraps.
It will be nice when we have chickens and hogs again to eat the scraps
and I can feel like I am “recycling” rather than feeding the wildlife. As I draw this journal to a close for 2017, I
do look forward to 2018 and welcome it.
I also look back with a lot of joy and some sadness at 2017 but I can
honestly say, I am happy, content and totally immersed in this present
moment. That has been the lesson that
life has tried so hard to teach me in 2017 and while I know I will regress to
anticipating the future or living in the past from time to time, I hope that
2018 is a year in which I learn to cherish the moments to an even greater
extent.