Celebrating Life and Love

Nineteen years ago today, in Fairbanks, Alaska I gave birth to my son, Joshua Marlin. He was born on his grandpa's birthday and named after two of his great grandfathers.

Today I celebrate the 18 years that I had him to love and hold here on this earth. He was a beautiful, thoughtful and precious child who was about as perfect as any child could be. He was the baby who would nurse and then go to sleep quietly sucking his thumb. He was the child who would sit and observe quietly while the rest of the world went crazy all around him. He was the child who snuggled and cuddled and gave me kisses and hugs. He was the child who sought out the children who needed special attention and became their friend. He was the child whose greatest joy was to spend time with family and who was always there when a friend needed a listening ear.

Today is Josh's birthday. It’s the first one I am spending without him and the first one that he is spending in heaven. Keeping it real, I have to say that this is the hardest day I have had to face since his death. And yet, I want to celebrate. I want to celebrate the blessings that he brought (and still brings) to me.

Last night, I just about lost it because I didn't feel that I could even face this day without him. I cried and I asked for a sign that I could hold onto. Maybe I was wrong to do that, but I needed some comfort. After I had prayed that prayer for comfort, a gentle rain began to fall. Rain has become a symbol to me of Josh's presence. As the rain fell gently down, I felt Josh's presence once again and was comforted in the fact that one day, I will once again walk with him in the rain as we use to do together when he was a child. It was a practice he continued even as a young adult and in my mind’s eye, I can see him dancing in the rain in heaven.

Hug and kiss your children today or call them and tell them that you love them. Celebrate life and love...................it's Josh's birthday! Should you get the chance................learn to dance in the rain. It is a beautiful thing.


Jessika said...

I was thinking of you all day, Tammy. What a beautiful testament to such a beautiful son. I wish I could lessen your pain.

leimana said...

you are very fortunate to have had the opportunity to be with such a soul such as his. it is very rare indeed to be shown the qualities that your son had and get to learn from that. You have been blessed to be shown a gentle consciousness as his. It is said that a child has the qualities of the mother when it pertains to qualities such as kindness and compassion. We know also that your son was blessed to have a mother like you. For the soul there is no birth or death nor, having once been, does he ever cease to be. He is unborn, eternal, ever-existing, undying and primeval. He is not slain when the body is slain. May your heart be restful dear mother, you are loved.

Corinne said...

Dear Tammy....my children are both so far away from me right now, but I have spoken to them both and told them I loved them.

I did not experience the rain today, but sat and listened to the ocean, the beautiful sound of the waves and watched the sun set in a most glorious way.

It was a very, very beautiful day.