Paying for the Words ~ A Personal Essay

I have a complicated relationship with other humans.  Observing from a distance is more my style than being actively interactive.  Yet, there's some draw I believe is in all creatures, to communicate.  We all seem to need to be heard, understood, and to understand.  Perhaps some of us are too sensitive for a lot of interaction or maybe we just don't process hurt very well.  And then there are some who have had more than their share of pain dumped upon them by others.  I remember as a kid wanting desperately to fit into a world in which I felt alienated.  I resorted to sarcasm and humor mostly in order to establish my rank while at school, church, and the few social events I attended.  At home, I roamed the farm and found solace alone in the woods, often in a damp, mossy spot where the creek only ran when there was lots of rain and where occasionally the ice in the winter would form a cascade from the highest ledge of the rocks, a place that looked as if like the earth had once been broken and then restacked in that exact spot.  Only in this hidden, magical forest did I feel safe and free. 

As an adult I have used writing to communicate because it somehow feels safer.  I can hide at home behind my computer, not having to interact face to face.  Here I can choose when to read or make comments on the things I have written.  Here I can go long spells without interacting at all and then pick up where I have left off.  That's not the way to build a blog or grow a steady following in the blogging world.  But, that has never been my reason behind blogging.  For me, it's about connecting with that one individual to whom my words make sense.  Often, in speaking, my words don't make sense, but when I write them down, I can make them make sense to me and to others. 

I admit, I have not tried very often to "fit in" to the world around me but the few times I have tried, I realize again that it's just not for me.  There have been two incidents in the past three years that have sent me scurrying back into introvert mode.  The one incident caused me to limit what I shared openly to the general public.  The other, more recent incident, showed me that some I assumed knew my heart and that I thought were friends, were in fact quick to not only assume the worst in me, but to involve others in their drama, thus hurting some of the folks I love the most. 

I made the decision to shut down both my personal and farm Facebook pages and take a sabbatical.  I am committed to taking the next year to sit quietly with my heart, read, and begin writing in earnest once again.  This time, I am not writing for anyone else, but I am writing for me.  Perhaps along the way, someone might glean something from what I write, but the purpose of my writing is simply because of the benefits it brings to me.  Thus, this blog will contain some of the things it has always contained such as recipes, farm life, perhaps still some photos and tutorials.  However, it will also contain personal essays and observations as well as topics I have not approached here in the past that are of importance to me. 

Mike and I have entered together into a new season in our life and while the recent events that were extremely painful to me led me away from many types of interaction and exposure, they have worked toward the good to bring about a time of soul searching and reflection and hopefully a time of personal growth.  Mike and I are moving toward semi retirement, downsizing the farm, letting go of some of the farming ventures that are taxing and not as productive, and cutting back in areas that require us to devote more time to them than we do to us.  You will see sometimes subtle changes in content to the blog as our lives evolve into the next phase.  For those with pure intent, I invite you to follow along.  For those in the world who continue to seek out information in order to manipulate, control, or destroy, I pray for you.


Deborah said...

I don't know who did what but I am so sorry that it happened! Whatever it was, I'm certain that you didn't deserve it and if I could have protected you from it, I would have. I love your heart, my friend. My arms reach out to hold you in God's love and in mine. May you be blessed abundantly during and after this transition in your life. I'll be reading along as you write, my dear. <3 <3 <3

T. Cupp said...

Deborah, Thank you for your kind words. And thank you for following along and sharing in this new old journey. Much love.

Dianne Ader said...

I love you Tammy & I love who you are too.

We all need boundaries & it is healthy.
Shame on the ones that caused trouble! But at the same time even though I miss you like crazy, I think this is good for you to be off facebook.

I wanted to blog. But, felt like I could blog on facebook & it has worked for me. I cut my friends list down 100 people & accept ones back in life that miss me. It was nothing about them, just the moments I went through recent were so heart wrenching I hoped that who heard had some common bond.

I miss you. But, glad you reminded me of this blog....cause I forgot!
I am so happy to be in your life! Just wish we did not live a world apart.
I love you!
Your friend,

T. Cupp said...

Dianne, thank you for taking time out of your life to be my friend. I love you. Yes, I feel like what seemed like a horrible thing at the time, has brought about good as well. I needed this time away from Facebook and I am happy I can get back to journaling and blogging now. I am so thankful for your friendship and thank you for taking the time to read some of my blog.