One Breath at a Time

After all most a year, I still can't figure out how I am ever going to live the rest of my life without my son. So, I just take it one breath at a time. One moment at a time I have made it through almost a year.

I decided in the beginning that I would not deny this pain but rather, I would embrace it when it overwhelmes me, allow myself to cry and grieve, and allow myself to remember. To deny the pain would only allow it to fester until it would erupt into something ugly. To face the pain and deal with it is hard but I know it is the right thing to do.

I did not want to dull the pain in any way by alchohol or medication. I have not touched either and have not allowed myself to escape the reality of the hurt I hold inside.

I have learned that I can laugh and find joy even with the deep abiding sorrow that is my constant companion. It can't be explained how such contradictory emotions can abide in the same heart.

While most moms my age are dealing with the empty nest syndrome and trying to find a new normal once their kids have moved out of the house and moved on with their lives, I am trying to find a new normal knowing that my child won't be coming home at Christmas, or on spring or summer break.

I cling to the hope that I have that assures me that Josh is in a better place and that time is of no importance to him there. To him, it will be but a breath and we will be together again. To me, the years will be long and my heart will ache, but when I see him again, there will be no more parting. I find my peace in that and my strength to take the next breath and make it through one more minute until the days, months and years slowly fade away.


Anonymous said...

I cry for you and my heart is breaking. I am so so so very sorry that your son has left this world. I know at least 10 in my family that would have given our life to keep you from feeling this pain. I admire your attitude, your strength, and your faith in JESUS. Thank you for sharing your life today, and for sharing Josh's life through your blog. I hope you get a few extra hugs from time to time.

Throwback at Trapper Creek said...

Tammy, a mother's bond with her child is so special, I am sorry for your pain.

When my brother was dying of cancer, my mother could not be at the hospital - he was her first born and her only son - he passed, and I went to call her, and she told me she had sat bolt upright in bed at that moment and knew the inevitable.

How I wish blogs were an avenue for healing and expression of grief for her - know that I am so sorry for your loss.

Tammy Renee' Cupp said...

Thank you Theresa and Throwback. It means so much to me to not only be able to write about my feelings but to know that others "hear". Throwback, thank you for sharing the story of your mother. I do believe there is a special bond between mothers and children. I experienced it so intensely when Joshua passed. It was as if I were right there with him during that time, even though I was a thousand miles away. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.


Anonymous said...

As always, you know you are in our thoughts and prayers. May you find shelter in the shadow of His wings.

(glad to see more options for signing in!!! :D)

Jessika said...

Hugging you from a distance Tammy!
I am so glad that you allow yourself this very necessary grief.