After all most a year, I still can't figure out how I am ever going to live the rest of my life without my son. So, I just take it one breath at a time. One moment at a time I have made it through almost a year.
I decided in the beginning that I would not deny this pain but rather, I would embrace it when it overwhelmes me, allow myself to cry and grieve, and allow myself to remember. To deny the pain would only allow it to fester until it would erupt into something ugly. To face the pain and deal with it is hard but I know it is the right thing to do.
I did not want to dull the pain in any way by alchohol or medication. I have not touched either and have not allowed myself to escape the reality of the hurt I hold inside.
I have learned that I can laugh and find joy even with the deep abiding sorrow that is my constant companion. It can't be explained how such contradictory emotions can abide in the same heart.
While most moms my age are dealing with the empty nest syndrome and trying to find a new normal once their kids have moved out of the house and moved on with their lives, I am trying to find a new normal knowing that my child won't be coming home at Christmas, or on spring or summer break.
I cling to the hope that I have that assures me that Josh is in a better place and that time is of no importance to him there. To him, it will be but a breath and we will be together again. To me, the years will be long and my heart will ache, but when I see him again, there will be no more parting. I find my peace in that and my strength to take the next breath and make it through one more minute until the days, months and years slowly fade away.