Cowgirl Up

This has been a tough week for me on a personal and an occupational level. It's one of those weeks where I have questioned everything including my chosen occupation.

I will always be a "farmer's wife" and support my wonderful farmer husband, but this week I questioned whether I was cut out to be a farmer myself?

Monday, Edy calved, and I knew when the calf was born that he was weak and that the likelihood of his survival was not good. We struggled with him but lost him on Tuesday. I was not prepared for the loss I felt. I have never lost a calf personally with my Jersey herd, although we have lost a few over the years in the beef herd. I am just so bonded to my Jerseys and anything that affects them also affects me deeply. Even a call to my wonderful vet who assured me that I was doing everything right and that it was not my fault was not enough to make me feel better.

"What am I doing?" "Why am I opening myself up to this pain of losing animals?" "Am I doing something wrong?" Is God trying to teach me something and I'm just too stupid to get it?" "Why am I so emotional about my animals?" "Why can't I be more detached?" Why is it the things that bring me the most joy also cause me so much pain?"

The questions have battered my weary brain all week and struggle as I might I can't seem to find the answers. I know how strange it must sound to those who are not emotionally involved with their farm animals, but I have actually lost sleep over it this week.

I guess those are answers we will never know. We live in an imperfect world and bad stuff happens. It's just a fact of life. And no matter how much it hurts to lose some of them, farming is so much a part of me that I don't think I could ever go back to just being a farmer's wife.

Guess it's time to "Cowgirl Up".


Lucky Lizard Ranch said...

I agree with you Tammy. It is so hard sometimes, yet that makes the joy so much sweeter.
Thank you for honestly sharing your angst. hugs!!

Anonymous said...

I've got no answers for you. I wish I did. I'd thought I'd let you know that I lose sleep over stuff like that too, and of course I am thinking of you in my prayers.
Bye for now,

Joelle said...

I think it would be a bad sign if you WEREN'T upset by the loss of that calf. You do an amazing job of keeping your focus positive, but let's be realistic, you had a LOT of losses lately, and that's going to add up no matter how pragmatic you try to be.

Hang in there, there will be an upside some day that will make all this seem small in comparison.